Dating a female commitment phobe
If you make it the ‘job’ of the guy to contact and make the plans, you opt for a lesser role in your relationship – the best you can hope to be is a backseat driver.
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You might even think ‘OK they seem like a great person, but I’m looking for a partner too. ’ It might seem like this person thinks that what they automatically bring to the table is so great that all they need to do is ‘reply’ and show up.
Or, you might think that they just want to be casual about things.
Trouble is, I’m hearing from people who’ve been on 10 dates, 20, been together for 3, 5, 9 months or even 5 years and beyond who still seem to be trapped in their own vision of that early phase of ‘pursuing’.
To pursue is to give chase/to follow with the intent being to capture.
Recently a friend expressed her fury that the guy she’d been seeing for a few weeks didn’t call her for a week.
She’d spent the entire week being hijacked by her imagination and agonising. As you can imagine, I read a hell of a lot of emails and comments from readers, as well as observing relationships and listening to a lot of frustrations.
You will know if you’re in mutually fulfilling relationship if you can call and initiate plans without restrictions.
When you’re involved with a potential co-pilot, they are happy for you to contact or make plans.
If you don’t want to find yourself in a casual relationship, wondering when they’re going to call, waiting around for them to dignify you with plans, jumping to the beat of someone else’s plans and basically staying in a relationship long past its sell by date, you can remove a lot of the ambiguity by being prepared to put in some of the initiating of contact and interaction effort.
Aside from ensuring that you don’t end up waiting around for someone or being ‘controlled’, it actually also ensures that it is a balanced relationship and that if there’s anything shady or a disconnect between efforts, you’ll see it.
When you’re involved with a driver, they may let your call go to voicemail and respond with a text, leave it for a few days, or be short with you when you speak. Or they might tell you that they’re really busy and they’ll call you on whatever day.